{31 Lessons Learned the Hard Way} :: Lesson 5~God is the Ultimate Family Planner ~ Part 1: Pain Can Bring Hope and Peace

The Lord has entrusted us with 5 beautiful children. See, that's us right there at the top of the page. At first glance, it looks like we had 5 pregnancies, 5 deliveries, 5 miracles given back to back. They do look like "stair steps" when they're lined up, although the oldest seems to tower over everyone more and more.

We were married for about a year when we "decided" it was time to start having children. We didn't really even know how to "try" for pregnancy...we just stopped preventing and I was pregnant 2 months later. I never took any special tests to tell us when the "time was right" and I didn't take a pregnancy test until I was fairly certain it would be positive. There we stood, in the bathroom of our starter house, crying and laughing and so overjoyed...and scared.

Caleb came that fall, just after the twin towers fell. I was in love with him immediately.

I immersed myself in being a mom. Those first couple of months are somewhat of a blur of feedings, diapers, sleepless nights...mixed with grief and insecurity about what our future held as our country went to war.

Four short months later, as I awoke from a nap while Caleb slept, I had an overwhelming feeling of fatigue. My body felt so heavy and unable to wake completely. It was very similar to how I felt when I first found out I was pregnant with Caleb. I remembered I had an unused pregnancy test in my bathroom cabinet. As the line on the test turned from faint to a bright "plus sign" I began to cry. I was so overwhelmed and tired already. I couldn't imagine bringing another baby into the world, so soon.

By the time Brad came home from work, I had somewhat come to grips with the idea and wrote a note "from Caleb" announcing that he would soon have a little brother or sister. Brad was surprised but overjoyed. I decided to be as well.

Three weeks later we began telling our family, friends and youth group. I remember so clearly being at our youth choir rehearsal on that Thursday night with squealing girls around me. Everyone was so excited...why wasn't I?

Friday morning was our scheduled appointment with the doctor, to officially confirm the pregnancy and talk through prenatal care. As the nurse performed the ultrasound, she became very quiet. She didn't say much except that maybe it was just very early and they'd like to do a different kind of ultrasound to get a better look. My uneasiness about the pregnancy quickly turned to panic. What was wrong with my baby?

The doctor came in shortly after the second ultrasound to break the news. There was no heartbeat. It looked like our baby had stopped growing two weeks earlier. We had a decision to make. We could go home and wait through the weekend for my body to "take care" of things naturally or we could schedule surgery for that afternoon. By this point, my body was showing signs of cooperating, so we decided to go home.

My mom met us at home so she could help with Caleb. We decided to keep Brad's scheduled voice students for that afternoon...he would be in our home office in case anything happened but I didn't think it was necessary for him to sit around and wait with me. What if it took all weekend?

When it happened that afternoon, my body delivering what was once a baby, the wail that came out of me was uncontrollable. I sat on our bathroom floor, overwhelmed with grief. Brad came to my side, saying he had sent his voice student home. We hugged and cried and sat, in shock.

I remember the rest of my family coming over with their quiet, but calming, support. My father-in-law called and spoke words of comfort. We watched "America's Funniest Videos" that night and I laughed and laughed...to this day that show is sentimental to me for that reason.

Friends brought flowers and planned meals for that first week. We felt so loved. Then life went back to normal. For everyone but me.

My body didn't feel normal. I felt the effects of the miscarriage physically for over a month. Emotionally, I felt sad for the loss of our baby. I felt guilty for not wanting the baby in the first place. I wondered if I had caused this baby to die. I felt confused. Did God kill my baby? Everyone kept saying it was probably for the best. How could this be God's best? And why didn't Brad seem to be grieving like I was?

To this day, I don't know the answers to all of these questions. But I do know that I didn't cause the miscarriage of our baby. I know that God's doesn't choose for any of His children to suffer. And I learned that a mother's grief is different and goes deeper than can be explained with words.

I found peace in a small ceremony. I named our baby. I wrote a letter to our baby and then gathered all of the paperwork...the letter "Caleb" had written to Brad, the pregnancy calendar I had purchased, cards & letters from friends...and placed them in an envelope. I said goodbye to our baby. Brad held and comforted me as I sealed it and placed it in our file box.

I became pregnant again 3 months later and delivered Emma that next spring.

She was so beautiful and I felt a connection to her that was different than Caleb. Caleb is my buddy and will always have claim as the first-born, the strong one. Emma is to this day so peaceful and loving. She has a strength that is so different from his. And while she was not a replacement for the baby I lost, I was overwhelmed with love and so thankful for the little family God was building.

10 years later and we still have that envelope. I haven't looked through it in years. Now, when I see it I am in awe of all that God has done since then and all that I have learned about His sovereignty. Looking back, I realize that this was a small piece (that felt huge at the time) of a large puzzle of my life, our lives, the life of our family. I absolutely believe that our baby was a person...although not very developed, that baby was not an accident and she was created in the image of God. I look forward to the day we meet face to face in heaven and I will get to hold her.

This is our reward...the HOPE, the PEACE that comes with a relationship with Jesus.

"Then the peace of God that exceeds all understanding will keep your 

hearts and minds safe in Christ Jesus." ~Philippians 4:7

...to be continued...

 

This post is part of the series {31 Lessons Learned the Hard Way}. Did you miss a lesson? Catch up here.