{31 Lessons Learned the Hard Way} :: Lesson 27~Sometimes the Answer is No

If you've been around this little blog here for any amount of time, you have heard me talk about Uganda. I love the country of Uganda. I love the people of Uganda. In a I-can't-talk-about-it-without-tearing-up kind of way. In a heart racing and words get all jumbled kind of way.

My daughter Brooke says these wonderful "I love you more than..." phrases. Like "I love you more than ice cream!" or "I love you more than pink!"

I love Uganda more than coffee and chocolate.

I went last year and then had the opportunity to go again this year. When we got home from our trip this year, Brad said he saw our missions opportunities "expanding". He wants New Life Worship to be serving around the world. I assumed that meant I would coordinate some other trips and lead another trip to Uganda.

But every time I talked about it, I had this little, icky feeling in my stomach.

And then, on a day that started like any other, everything changed. During my prayer time that morning, I heard a "no". Not an audible "no". But a feeling kind of "no". I knew what He was saying. I knew He was telling me to go a different direction next summer. But the thought of it was nauseating. Our contacts over there are only stronger now. I knew I could lead a trip and see all of these wonderful people again and I would love it. Why would He say no?

I ended my prayer time by making a little deal with God. "We" agreed we would talk about it more the next day. I met Brad for lunch that day. We were chit-chatting and talking about the goings on of his day. And I was mostly paying attention, but I had this nagging feeling that just wouldn't go away. I knew I should talk to him about my feelings about Uganda, but I knew that once the words left my mouth, there was no taking them back. If this was what God was saying, and I admitted it out loud, I was stuck. I would either have to admit that I wasn't going to Uganda this year or admit that I hadn't really heard from the Lord.

Finally, through tears, with my heart racing, I blurted out the words. "I think that um, maybe, that I'm, um, maybe not supposed to go to Uganda next year."

My wonderful, understanding, practical husband. He looked at me with such understanding and asked why I might think that. Hmmm...why did I think that? I didn't have a reason. Except that maybe God was saying "no". I told him about my little deal that I had made with God. That we would talk about it more tomorrow. And we kind of left it at that.

Except that I couldn't. I cried all day. I was angry. I went on a drive and told God that I was confused and angry. I had finally found an avenue of ministry that fit me. That feels so right and so good. Why would He take this away from me?

The next morning, I awoke with the question lingering, burning in my heart. What was the answer? Was He really saying "no"?

I turned on the Bible-reading app on my phone. As I was reading, I came across this:

I know! It couldn't have been more clear.

*Disclaimer: it's always important to take into context Scripture as God speaks it to us. So just as I don't have any "family" in Uganda, I don't think God was saying to actually "forget" the people over there that I love so dearly.*

I surrendered. Through tears. And not the silent, weepy, kind of tears. Like the bawling, ugly cry, kind of tears. I told Him that I don't want to go anywhere He isn't leading me. I have learned that He is a good God. A good Father who only desires what's best for His children. He knows so much more than me and I will choose to trust. I will choose to obey.

I went into the next room and showed Brad the verse on my phone. We both laughed about how completely obvious God's answer was. God knows me well enough to know that it needed to be obvious. There's no wiggle room or getting out of this one.

I had already scheduled to go to breakfast with one of my dearest friends that morning. As I cried all my makeup off and gulped down coffee, I explained to her all that was happening. And as I explained it that wonderful feeling came that always does with obedience...peace.

Although it was hard (and still is, to be honest) there is such a peace in knowing that I am going in His direction. I know the difference between following Him and following my own way. At this point, it's about as blatant to me as going outside on a cold, Colorado-ey day with or without a coat and gloves. One makes me feel prepared and protected. The other leaves me feeling frazzled, shivering and cold.

So, I'm not going to Uganda next summer.

I don't think I'm done with Uganda. Or with Africa. But it's just not for next year.

I don't know the why.

But I do know that He told me to give up a business that was successful when it didn't make sense. And it was to prepare me for my first ever trip to Uganda...that changed my life.

I do know that He took my second trip to Uganda and completely wrecked any plans I had so that He could create the trip that He wanted. And the experiences that I had and the people that I got to meet are treasures that I will always hold dear in my heart. Looking back, I wouldn't have it any other way.

He loves me and is FOR me and is working for my good. His plans are only good and I'm beyond second guessing Him at this point.

What has developed since then is that I am going to WALES! I have never been there before and I have no idea what to expect, but I am excited for all that God has planned for me, our team, and the people that we will come into contact with.

See? All those times that I've told you that this life with God is such an adventure? It's really true! He has such great, big plans for each and every one of us. He has wonderful plans for you, too. But the key is to ask and obey.

What (big, scary, hard, crazy thing) might He be asking you to do?

 

This post is part of the series {31 Lessons Learned the Hard Way}. Did you miss a lesson? Catch up here.

Would you like to go on missions with New Life Worship? We have trips planned for Uganda, Swaziland, Germany, Wales and El Salvador all taking place next summer. Contact me by commenting or email if you'd like more information!

{31 Lessons Learned the Hard Way} :: Lesson 19~How I Found Myself in Uganda ~ Part 2: The Painful Pouring Out Brings the Joyous Return

I told you last Wednesday about my first experience in Uganda. I told you that I came back changed and never wanted to be the same way I had been...

What's truly amazing is that I got to go back again, this year and that I learned even more than the first time.

This past summer I led a team...from beginning to end...coordinated (with lots of help!) all the travel arrangements, team building, fundraisers...arranged for our team of 20 and 60 pieces of luggage to travel to Uganda and all over Uganda for 2 weeks (all of the people made it...I can't say that for all of the luggage...).

And what was the icing on the cake...the cherry on top...what made this trip so incredible for me personally, was the fact that my husband and 2 oldest children were a part of our team. And I say a part of our team because they truly were. Brad was the on-the-ground leader of our team. He was the implementer of everything I had planned. We are such a great team that way. Our children, they were truly team members. They didn't cling to us...they sat next to different team members on the bus rides. They led worship. They preached. They played and loved on orphans....

It was such an amazing trip but we worked. so. hard. We prayed and put in long hours at the church in preparation for the trip. Our entire family loaded up on Sunday nights (after a full morning at church) to attend team meetings. We all participated in fundraisers. The girls sat with me and practiced crocheting while I worked my little fingers to the bone in order to have products to sell for our fundraisers. Our sights were set on Uganda and it was truly a family effort for several months before we ever left.

On the ground, my children witnessed Brad and I operating in the God-given grace that comes with missions trips. Brad and I have led teams in the past, but never with our children. I believe Caleb and Emma learned new things about us during those 2 weeks. They saw me bury my head in my hands and sob on our first night...so overwhelmed by the day's events and how I felt I had failed our team in planning a successful first day. We stood at the top of Murchison Falls, soaking wet and completely exhilarated and overwhelmed at God's awesome creation. They witnessed Brad preaching the Gospel to a village of unreached people in a remote village in northern Uganda. And they loved every minute. They cried when we left. They regularly talk about their friends over there and how they can't wait to go back.

I watched God do miracles in each and every one of our team members. We were each pushed to our limit at different times and it was amazing to see how God carried us through each moment. Many of us did what we had previously thought impossible. For me, raising the money and taking our team and accomplishing the tasks that had been given to us...all of these were things I had to give to the Lord and let Him do through me.

Our second to last night there, after a full day of work at the orphanage, we loaded the bus for our 40 minute drive to our lodging location. My heart was heavy knowing that I only had one day left with these Ugandan children who have a hold on my heart but I was also longing for home...my arms ached at times to hold my own 3 children who were awaiting our return home. I sat next to a window, feeling the breeze blow away the sticky and the sweat and the dirt of the day, and listened to the sounds.

The hum of the bus motor.
The chatter and shouts from the towns people as we drove by.
The sounds of our team.

The sounds of our team.

They were laughing and joking around.
They were talking about the children they had interacted with that day.
They were sharing photos and videos.

What I remember clearest is Angela talking about Stella. Stella, the single mom of 4. Stella, the beaded-jewelry maker. Stella, who had hauled pounds and pounds of jewelry out to the orphanage in order to make money for her children's school tuition. Angela had spent a couple of hours with Stella, listening to her story. Looking into her eyes. Validating the work she does to provide for her children. She had invested in Stella. And she was talking about what the future might hold...could we find a way to ship necklaces to the states? Could we help support Stella in a long-term way?

And it was as if time stood still. I was physically there, but in my mind's eye, in my spirit, I could see all that God was doing. The efforts of the last 8-9 months went far beyond those 2 weeks in Uganda. The change is eternal. It's everlasting. We ALL left changed. We, the 20 Americans and we the people who shared common experiences over those 2 weeks...Ugandans and Americans alike.

Farida knows me. She knows that she has someone all the way across the ocean, in America, who has her back. Who is praying for her.

Stella met with Angela, a strong white woman from America, who encouraged her and spoke words of life over her.

Godfrey played and laughed and connected with Caleb, a white boy from America, for 4 days. They both cried when they said goodbye.

These are life-connections. These interactions are why we work so hard to travel and share with people from other cultures. Because there is something about an outsider, an objective observer, telling you that you are important...that your life matters...that YOU matter...that is everlasting.

I sat on that bus, tears rolling down my face, and thanked God. I thanked Him for using me. I thanked Him for letting me see, letting me hear, letting me touch these people and sense His heart for them. I had never felt more used in my life...in a good way.

And sitting beside me was my beautiful, 9 year old Emma. Emma who loved those people like I love those people. Emma who is also forever changed because of those 2 weeks.

And I realized that ministry is just this...the investment in our family first. And then the pouring out of our family unit. God wants to use all of us, young and old, experienced and inexperienced...He takes us all. He wants us to love each other well and then pour out of that love onto others.

There is nothing else I'd rather do.

 
This post is part of the series {31 Lessons Learned the Hard Way}. Did you miss a lesson? Catch up here.

{31 Lessons Learned the Hard Way} :: Lesson 19~How I Found Myself in Uganda ~ Part 2: The Painful Pouring Out Brings the Joyous Return

I told you last Wednesday about my first experience in Uganda. I told you that I came back changed and never wanted to be the same way I had been...

What's truly amazing is that I got to go back again, this year and that I learned even more than the first time.

This past summer I led a team...from beginning to end...coordinated (with lots of help!) all the travel arrangements, team building, fundraisers...arranged for our team of 20 and 60 pieces of luggage to travel to Uganda and all over Uganda for 2 weeks (all of the people made it...I can't say that for all of the luggage...).

And what was the icing on the cake...the cherry on top...what made this trip so incredible for me personally, was the fact that my husband and 2 oldest children were a part of our team. And I say a part of our team because they truly were. Brad was the on-the-ground leader of our team. He was the implementer of everything I had planned. We are such a great team that way. Our children, they were truly team members. They didn't cling to us...they sat next to different team members on the bus rides. They led worship. They preached. They played and loved on orphans....

It was such an amazing trip but we worked. so. hard. We prayed and put in long hours at the church in preparation for the trip. Our entire family loaded up on Sunday nights (after a full morning at church) to attend team meetings. We all participated in fundraisers. The girls sat with me and practiced crocheting while I worked my little fingers to the bone in order to have products to sell for our fundraisers. Our sights were set on Uganda and it was truly a family effort for several months before we ever left.

On the ground, my children witnessed Brad and I operating in the God-given grace that comes with missions trips. Brad and I have led teams in the past, but never with our children. I believe Caleb and Emma learned new things about us during those 2 weeks. They saw me bury my head in my hands and sob on our first night...so overwhelmed by the day's events and how I felt I had failed our team in planning a successful first day. We stood at the top of Murchison Falls, soaking wet and completely exhilarated and overwhelmed at God's awesome creation. They witnessed Brad preaching the Gospel to a village of unreached people in a remote village in northern Uganda. And they loved every minute. They cried when we left. They regularly talk about their friends over there and how they can't wait to go back.

I watched God do miracles in each and every one of our team members. We were each pushed to our limit at different times and it was amazing to see how God carried us through each moment. Many of us did what we had previously thought impossible. For me, raising the money and taking our team and accomplishing the tasks that had been given to us...all of these were things I had to give to the Lord and let Him do through me.

Our second to last night there, after a full day of work at the orphanage, we loaded the bus for our 40 minute drive to our lodging location. My heart was heavy knowing that I only had one day left with these Ugandan children who have a hold on my heart but I was also longing for home...my arms ached at times to hold my own 3 children who were awaiting our return home. I sat next to a window, feeling the breeze blow away the sticky and the sweat and the dirt of the day, and listened to the sounds.

The hum of the bus motor.
The chatter and shouts from the towns people as we drove by.
The sounds of our team.

The sounds of our team.

They were laughing and joking around.
They were talking about the children they had interacted with that day.
They were sharing photos and videos.

What I remember clearest is Angela talking about Stella. Stella, the single mom of 4. Stella, the beaded-jewelry maker. Stella, who had hauled pounds and pounds of jewelry out to the orphanage in order to make money for her children's school tuition. Angela had spent a couple of hours with Stella, listening to her story. Looking into her eyes. Validating the work she does to provide for her children. She had invested in Stella. And she was talking about what the future might hold...could we find a way to ship necklaces to the states? Could we help support Stella in a long-term way?

And it was as if time stood still. I was physically there, but in my mind's eye, in my spirit, I could see all that God was doing. The efforts of the last 8-9 months went far beyond those 2 weeks in Uganda. The change is eternal. It's everlasting. We ALL left changed. We, the 20 Americans and we the people who shared common experiences over those 2 weeks...Ugandans and Americans alike.

Farida knows me. She knows that she has someone all the way across the ocean, in America, who has her back. Who is praying for her.

Stella met with Angela, a strong white woman from America, who encouraged her and spoke words of life over her.

Godfrey played and laughed and connected with Caleb, a white boy from America, for 4 days. They both cried when they said goodbye.

These are life-connections. These interactions are why we work so hard to travel and share with people from other cultures. Because there is something about an outsider, an objective observer, telling you that you are important...that your life matters...that YOU matter...that is everlasting.

I sat on that bus, tears rolling down my face, and thanked God. I thanked Him for using me. I thanked Him for letting me see, letting me hear, letting me touch these people and sense His heart for them. I had never felt more used in my life...in a good way.

And sitting beside me was my beautiful, 9 year old Emma. Emma who loved those people like I love those people. Emma who is also forever changed because of those 2 weeks.

And I realized that ministry is just this...the investment in our family first. And then the pouring out of our family unit. God wants to use all of us, young and old, experienced and inexperienced...He takes us all. He wants us to love each other well and then pour out of that love onto others.

There is nothing else I'd rather do.

 
This post is part of the series {31 Lessons Learned the Hard Way}. Did you miss a lesson? Catch up here.

{31 Lessons Learned the Hard Way} :: Lesson 18~How I Found Myself in Uganda ~ Part 1: Don't Be a Frog

If you've been around here for some time, you may know that I am a worship pastor's wife. Brad and I met while involved in youth ministry. We married and continued to pastor students for another 5 years before moving to worship ministry. We've been in the worship world for 8 years now.

My first role in ministry was with youth. It seemed a natural fit and it was the area all my friends were participating in. After Brad and I married, I continued to participate as he did...to youth while he did youth. To adults when he took the position in the worship department. It never really occurred to me that God might call me to something different until I found myself surrounded by Ugandan orphans years later.

The trip to Uganda came about so suddenly. I knew in my heart I had always wanted to go, but going was so stretching and uncomfortable. I started having panic attacks about a week before we left. Whenever I would think about leaving Brad and the kids, I would be filled with panic and anxiety. My heart would start racing and I would have a hard time breathing. One of the symptoms of a panic attack is:

"nervousness about the possibility of losing control and doing something embarrassing"

That's exactly what I was fearing. I was scared to leave my kids for 2 weeks. I was nervous about the possibility of little, or no, communication while I was gone. On the other side, I was really nervous about traveling to the other side of the world with a group of people I didn't know very well. What if they didn't like me?

The first night there, I couldn't sleep. Every time I would lay down, I couldn't breathe. I spent the entire night praying and planning an escape plan. I felt I had made a mistake and I desperately needed to get home to my family.

I made it through the night and made sure to not make a sound at breakfast the next morning. I kept my mouth closed for fear that if I opened it, I would say all the things I was actually thinking and our team would then know that I had lost my mind.

I found a way to call home that day and heard about all the fun the kids were having with their daddy. Everyone was happy and Brad told me exactly what I needed to hear. He was so encouraging and told me to take advantage of every minute. It would be such a waste to spend this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity being homesick. It felt like he was giving his blessing. I realized it was okay to enjoy my time away and that loving these orphan children was not a betrayal of my love for my family.

Although it was not immediate, I gave myself fully to the purpose for which I had come half way around the world. I worked hard, painting and cleaning orphan homes. I climbed ladders and hung mosquito nets, just feet away from chirping bats. I sat on the porch of Farida and Hanifah and learned all about their lives. They sang songs to me and I to them. I visited the home of sweet Marvin. I played with Desire. I met Sarah who had left 4 of her children in order to make money to send back to them. We took an excursion to the source of the Nile River, so sleek and calm. I laughed and laughed with my team. We worshiped together. I watched the sunsets fill the sky with colors like I had never seen before. I danced around and sang songs with the orphan children.

I felt so alive. I fell in love with those people. And I knew that I had found an avenue of ministry...a God-given ministry...that belonged to me. I realized I have gifts that go beyond serving my husband and children.

I was also so overcome with gratitude. So thankful to my God who awoke these dreams at just the right time. Who had planned this trip with me in mind...knowing that it would change me forever. So thankful to my husband who gave me permission to explore...to pursue dreams...to change.

I came home with a new confidence. I finally knew that God intends to use me, in ways that are unique to me. There should be no striving to be someone else. No hiding in the shadow of my husband. I now know that God has brought me to this place, this time, for a specific purpose and that it is not to the exclusion or the limitation of my role as wife and mother. If I follow His leading, it all works together. For His purpose.

This realization is so empowering. It's so freeing. I am wholeheartedly chasing this God of ours...chasing His purposes. After experiencing the pouring out of myself in such a way, I don't ever want to go back to the small-minded, complacent place of my past. It's like the analogy of the frog. If you put a frog in boiling water, it will jump right out. If you put it in cold water and slowly warm it to boiling, the frog will stay in the gradually warming water, happily swimming around, not realizing it will soon be dead. This is how complacency works in our lives. We don't suddenly become complacent. But we can stay still too long, not realizing that by resisting to move, we are closer and closer to dying.

We have to move. We have to continue to grow. I gave of myself to these people in really hard ways, but the reward is mine. It really is true that we can find ourselves, the true God-created self, through the pouring out of our lives.

This should come as no surprise. Jesus said it many years ago:

^"Whoever finds their life will lose it, and whoever loses their life for my sake will find it." 

~ Matt. 10:39 NIV

The Message says it this way:

"If your first concern is to look after yourself, you’ll never find yourself. But if you forget about yourself and look to me, you’ll find both yourself and me."

~Matt. 10:39 MSG

And that's exactly what happened. I found myself and Him!

Now, before you think I'm going to run off, leave my family, and become a full time missionary to Uganda...let me assure you that's not going to happen. Come back on Monday for Part 2 where I'll explain how it all works together....

 

This post is part of the series {31 Lessons Learned the Hard Way}. Did you miss a lesson? Catch up here.

Seeta, {Uganda}

After traveling all over the country and seeing so many amazing sights and meeting so many wonderful people, we headed to our final destination, Seeta.

We spent the majority of our time at Adventure Village, an orphanage housing around 1000 orphans.

You may remember we went there last year.

I got to see the kids that laid claim to my heart a year ago...

 Farida and Hanifah...

 and many more that I love so much. Enoch, Anet...too many to name here.

I made some new friends...

It was so wonderful to see my husband love these kids. Many of them have no earthly father and while Brad isn't a substitute, it's so good for them to receive love from a man.

Caleb and Emma had so much fun here. They played with the kids and chased chickens. They really enjoyed the slowing and the freedom to run around.

Our pace during these 5 days was much slower and we really just focused on the kids and the mums.

We worked on a brick perimeter fence that will surround the orphanage and provide protection for the children.

 We hung mosquito nets.

Mostly, though, this part of the trip was highly relational...planting seeds and creating moments for these orphans to hold on to when they feel alone and abandoned.

To be able to hug an orphan, pray over them and tell them Jesus loves them...well, I can't even put into words how very emotional and fulfilling and heartbreaking this is.

It affected our entire team and many of us were brought to tears when it was time to say goodbye. Our hearts are knit with theirs and I pray that they remember the love that we showed them, even when we can't physically be with them. How precious these children are. My only comfort comes from knowing that He loves them far more than I can imagine. So when they are sad, sick, hungry, cold, lonely, discouraged...He will send them a Comforter. I pray that He will use the short time we spent with them to bring hope.

I wish I could end this post happy and "up" and with encouragement for your day. What we experienced...although we laugh and love, much of it is heartbreaking and hard. These children are proof of the fallen world that we live in...they are the innocent who are suffering. Will you join me and pray for them? Will you consider sponsoring a child? If we each were to do our part~only what the Lord directs you to do~we could radically change the life of a child. Maybe you are one who supported our team in going. Maybe you are planning a trip yourself. Any and all of these are wonderful. Thank you for giving...for loving...it does not go unnoticed and I have had the privilege to see first hand the impact that these actions make in the life of a child.

On behalf of the abandoned and forgotten, THANK YOU.

 

Photos once again provided by our team members: Krista Bobo, Angela White, Cameron Daniels and Katherine Hughson

Bussi Island {Uganda}

Oh, how to begin? 36 hours I will never forget.

We boarded a wooden boat...basically an oversized, motorized canoe for the 45 minute ride across Lake Victoria.

We arrived on the shore of Bussi, a remote, undeveloped island. We were so warmly greeted by the people. White people are a rarity on the island and for many, this was the first time they had ever seen white children.

We boarded our truck, a cargo truck converted to carry people. It was a bumpy, adventurous ride to the school.

I had been praying and anxiously awaiting this day for so long...I could barely contain my mix of emotions. Excited, giddy, emotional, nervous.

We reached the school and saw all the children. They had created a welcoming line, complete with costumes, banners, music and dancing.

Who are we to deserve such a welcome? I was so overwhelmed I thought my heart might leap out of my chest.

After we had greeted the children, we made our way into one of the school buildings where the teachers introduced themselves and the school choir sang several welcoming songs.

Then we went out to the school yard where we did some VBS-style teaching, skits and worship.

 We gave gifts.

we spent some time playing with the children.

There were dragonflies everywhere.

The school day was over and we made our way through the village. We met Norah, the grandmother and caretaker of 6 children. She used to live here.

Which is now the kitchen because, thanks to the people at Redeemed of the Lord Evangelistic Church, she lives in her new brick home.

She is also the proud owner of this pig.

She will care for and breed the pig in order to support her family. I was so impressed and challenged by the way Redeemed ministers to those in need.

We made our way through the rest of the village. I so enjoyed talking with the women from the church. These are powerful, strong women. I was strengthened by being with them.

We came to the football (soccer to us) field. Our team & teachers from the school challenged the villagers to a game.

We were thankful we had some help...these people don't mess when it comes to football!

A few of us had the foresight to know we had no business on the field! We played with some of the children instead.

We had an outdoor service that evening, on the shores of Bussi Island.

We were able to pray for many people that night. I had the privilege of praying for Norah.

After dinner that night, we sat around the campfire, in the dark, and sang our thanks to the Lord. At one point I stopped singing, I was so overcome by the beautiful sound of our team's voices combined with these wonderful Ugandan people.

We took time to pray for each other before settling in for the night. We slept in the teachers' house...that they had given up to accommodate our team.

Caleb actually slept in a separate house that night, with some of his new Ugandan friends from the church. That kid never ceases to amaze me!

Many of us were challenged by the knowledge that these people would go to sleep much later than us and they were awake before us...one host pacing and praying outside of our home, the others preparing our breakfast. They were amazing hosts.

We took a tour of the school that morning.

This is the school library.

We then boarded our boat for the ride back to Kampala. I cried as we left...my heart breaking for the people of Bussi Island and at the same time so overwhelmed and thankful for the new friends we made. One of the hardest things about these trips is the wondering when, or if, I'll ever see these people again. As these feelings were flowing over, I was also struggling with the intense feeling that we hadn't done enough. How could we be done already? I wasn't ready to leave Bussi Island. Brad lovingly took my hand and said "We'll see these people again".

I pray that's true.

 

photos credited to a few of our wonderful team members: Angela White, Jonathan Moos, Krista Bobo & Katherine Hughson